Unsure Identity [O]

[Roksana Sheirn]

Her emotions were uncontrollable. At least now they were. So much had happened and she was so confused as to who she was, why she was, what she was. Her head reeled with all of the thoughts and she blinked her recently dried eyes. Such confusion could only lead to tears, she had decided. Any normal person would have cried. Would have cried if everything they believed was made complicated, would have cried if they had quite definitely made a fool of themselves in front of an idol like Ein Lamont Lansfeld.

So yes, she had reason to be confused. She had reason to cry. She had reason to not know what to do. She had all of these reasons floating around in her head as to why she could do these things - and perhaps that was why she did not know who she was. She was so concerned with the motive of her life that she could not resign herself to thinking of the suspect, or the means by which she were to live. She would have not thought it when she had family around in a constant set, but now that she was on her own… It was clear that life was not a simple act. Life was not some slow dance you could think through. Life was quick moving, it did not wait for you to think or to correct your mistakes. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal. No, it was the real thing. The real thing that she was not ready for. Not in the least. Even now as she paid no mind as to where she was going, her mind ran rampant with the many thoughts of what life had thrown at her. The drama over the war, the meeting of her idol, the frightening people who seemed to sprinkle the world with bitter liquorice in their undeniably distasteful ways. So much was here in the world she would have never thought possible - not with a mother and a father shielding an innocent mind such as herself… But now, here in this confusing space (even as she was part of the wind in this moment) she felt her mind slowly filling with a blackness, a corruption. It was something that seemed inevitable. The world was corrupt and filled every mind - even one as pure and innocent as she naively believed her’s to be - with black and evilness. It was not a friendly world. It was not a nice world. It was something that was cruel to her and people like her, it was something that would not take no for an answer… She shook her wind-bound head vigorously in a way one would not think possible of the wind, she shook it to eliminate the thoughts of the world purely and undeniably raping the minds of innocents.

She had to get away from herself, this new person who looked so pessimistically at all of this now, she had to get away from her thoughts. As an escape she solidified herself in place, holding steadfast against the fast moving-currents only a few rises away from the clouds that didn’t look as much like marshmallows anymore. She kept in place as she blinked away the new tears that were forming, the tears that the harsh blowing winds were not helping as they shifted directions every few moments. Shifted directions like her mind had done in the past few days.

Of course, who’s mind would not change so thoroughly after what she had seen? She saw a young girl, not much older than herself, fighting to conquer a nation for greed. She saw many of these people. This disgusting, dirty people who reached with grubby hands into the piggy bank of innocence. They took whatever they could carry and ran quickly away to hide in a shame that would soon be masked by their pride at their own wealth… The wealth that so sickened her as to how it was used. To buy weapons. To make people more powerful, to make other’s weaker.

Feeling weak herself, she drifted slowly downwards. She had not a clue of where she had found herself located, she did not know where to go now. Of course, it was not much different than the norm. Only now instead of questioning herself, she was questioning everything as she touched down to a grassy field - luscious and reminiscent of Niseca (perhaps that was where she was?) - with unsure footing. She glanced about, as if expecting a bolt of lightning to cascade in a sharp attack to her lone form, as if knowing someone was about to jump out or rush at her with a weapon and a loud shrill voice that could only be a cry of war.

It did not come however. There was only the soft whistling of the grass in the wind, the brushing sounds of leaves against the ground as the lightly blustering wind pushed it along the nearly-silent blades of green. Here was a place that seemed so… unreal. It was soft, beautiful - it was untouched and innocent. A place that no man had set foot in. Or perhaps that was only in her mind. Perhaps man had been here and that was why there was such a lack of trees. They had even taken the stumps to prevent further growth. She was quick to bite back the tears that were attempting to form beneath the ones already making their suicidal jumps down her pale face, and then fell to her knees in a gesture akin to one giving up.

Perhaps that was what she had done. Perhaps she had just given it all up. She expected now would be the time, for the drama of it all, for someone to emerge and attack. Or speak. Or both. She did not look however, she did not put up any guard… She only sat on her knees, hands resting upon the silken grass and swallowed back the sadness that wanted to pour out of her. She would not allow her to be the one to make this place morose, depressing - like her. It was too nice for that. Then again, she thought herself to be too nice to submit to the vileness of the surrounding world.

[Kiku]

Kikuriku began to wander about the Mystara continent with great dislike for the people who had treated him like crap. It was a day of reminiscing for Kiku, him reminiscing about what he could remember from his childhood. There were parts of it that just seemed hazy, and the parts that weren't hazy were definitely choppy and didn't make much sense at all. He couldn't remember what his parents looked like, or their names for that matter. He couldn't remember the smell of his mother, nor the muffins that she may or may not have baked on cold days at home. He couldn't remember if his father ever told him he loved him, but from what Kiku could remember, he believed that he did.

What he did remember, however, was that it was his father who taught him how to wield a sword and then, after many years, the Frostbite. Taking the Frostbite out, with his father's protective glove on, Kiku held it firmly in his left hand. It wasn't an overly heavy weapon, so it could slice quickly and didn't restrict much movement. Being a family heirloom, Kiku had much knowledge of it, and most of it was taught by his father. From what he remembered, his father was in the army, and was in fact very famous for his skills with the Legendary weapon. But beyond that, he knew that his father was someone who loved his mother very much. That alone was reason enough for Kiku to love him as well.

Kiku's also fondly remembered his mother, who was beyond all else, caring. She always cared for Kiku, from when he scraped his arms on trees or when he was in trouble with other kids from the villages, she would always be there from him, even when he was the one who was the cause of the trouble. That's just the type of mother she was. She put Kiku first, and Kiku always loved her for that. However, besides the love that he knew he felt for her, he could not remember her. It was as if there was a block or something that was stopping him from seeing the whole past, and it was something that he hoped to one day remedy. Not knowing was as difficult as being on his own at this point.

Kiku didn't remember what had happened to his parents either. He knew they were dead, and he knew that when he woke up, they had been dead for at least four days. Then, there was more haze, and then it was thirty years later. There was no explaining it, it's just what he remembered. He'd been to many different potions dealers, therapists and fortune tellers, but none could help him remember even the smallest fraction of his past. However, whenever he thought of those hazy parts in his memories, all he could do was cry. A manly cry.

Somehow, he had ended up in an area that he didn't intend to be in, and as he was thinking and walking at the same time, he narrowly caught himself before stepping all over a young girl. She didn't seem depressed, thought she didn't seem too happy either. Kiku, being in that state as well, or at least feeling like he was, sat down beside her. He didn't know what to say really, because he was kind of just creeping on this young girl, but if she ran away screaming, at least he would have the place to himself.

"Hi," was all he managed to say. He didn't want to look at her for fear of being called a (possible) pedophile, and he didn't want to give her his name so that way she couldn't use it in court for that same pedophile charge. Jail wasn't exactly Kiku's idea of a good place to be. They rape and harass pretty boys in jail, and Kiku's ass wasn't for fucking. Or being fucked. Kiku's ass was for regular ass functions, such as going poo and the like.

Gross...

[Roksana Sheirn]

Roksana, being in the oh-so-sad state she was, was not at all prepared to notice anything. She did not feel the wind as it rushed through her air; she did not hear the tweeting of little birds as they went about their lives as if no one else’s had been ruined; and most certainly did she not hear or see footsteps coming by, stopping, and of someone sitting next to her. Not even from the corner of her eye, which normally would have seen someone sit down next to her, especially with such a vibrant hair colour. Roksana in fact would have left the man sitting next to her – that she actually knew – unnoticed, but then he spoke a hello.

As many would do when that involved in their thoughts, or as many would do when blocking out all of the sounds surrounding them, Roksana jumped nearly out of her skin. A gasp accompanied that jump and she had to clutch at the area around her heart that tightened in the shock of hearing a noise next to her that (for her, at least) had come completely out of the blue. In a few seconds, she was sitting on her but, her feet splayed out and her hands working with its opposite appendages to push her far back from the boy she had yet to recognize.

She stared at the person for a few moments, chewing her lip up in her teeth as she stared with the wide eyes that she always remembered about herself whenever she saw her own reflection. She knew that they were bigger than most people’s eyes, and she knew that they were bright and full of goodness. Or at least they were when she last saw them. That was, of course, before her life was ruined. Now, instead of being happy and innocent she was sure that the seeing orbs on her face had somehow shrunken in size and had lost their distinct innocuous glow. This boy, she slowly begun to realize, was part of that reason.

“Y…y-you!” She managed to get out, putting her legs together as she remembered things he had said when fighting Miss Delice at the Woods of New Dawn. She remembered it all so clearly, she remembered her swift escape that then brought her to the second half of her ruined life – Mr Lansfeld. There was only bad things in her memory that related to this red head: Lots of blood; an angry wolf demon thing; a poor girl with her arm completely bitten off.

Roksana felt sick to her stomach.

She turned about, heaving over on her hands and knees as she felt as if she were going to retch all over the lush green grasses of the area. Instead, she felt herself calm as air rushed through her nose and into her lungs with every hasty breath, and she relaxed.

Remembering who was here, and why she probably did not want to turn her back to him, she stood up and turned about quickly, lifting her feet up so that she could float on the wind and easily pull away if he attacked. “What… What do you want with me?”

[Kiku]

Kikuriku had been deep in thought. Even though he started the conversation with his greeting, he tuned out quickly after that. He couldn't get thoughts of his mother out of his mind, and it made him feel like crying. He was a boy who had lost both of his parents in the same night, and he had do survive on his own. Was it is fault that he had grown up to be this way? Was it his fault that he couldn't get Riku out of his existence, and that he was a messed up womanizer, who only talks to certain women for the sole purpose of sexual release? If his parents were still alive, or were alive until he was ready to live on his own, would Kiku have been a different... better person? Would he be an upstanding citizen, maybe even married and have a child or two? Kiku almost wished that he could go back in time, and fix that day.

Then the girl who he was beside said something. She accusingly said 'you', which is never good. It broke Kiku out of his thoughts, and he was somewhat upset about it. He looked at the girl almost angrily, until he got a good look at her. Upon closer inspection, he realized that it was the girl from the Woods of New Dawn, when Tabitha had been battling the warlord. This girl was there, attacking Kiku, however fruitlessly, but attacking him none the less. Kiku let her go that day, and now they had met again, without weapons drawn, on the field.

"Me. You're that girl from the Woods of New Dawn." Kiku said, restating the words that he had just thought in his head, in order to make some form of conversation. She seemed sort of scared, which is to be expected. She only looked like a young girl, a frightened girl who had not been exposed to the harshness of loss and war, at least not for long. She stood herself up and began to float, as if she was going to fly away at a moments notice. She seemed to think that Kiku was going to attack her. Smart girl, being on your guard like that.

"What do I want with you? Nothing at all, perhaps besides your company. I know you must be cautious of me, but I give you my word I won't attack you. I'm just... thinking." Kiku started speaking, though he wasn't really thinking of the words as they came out of his mouth. They just sort of flowed out without him really trying to do so. "I'm just thinking about the futility of war, and how pathetic it all is. I'm sorry for what happened at the Woods of New Dawn, you're too young to have to deal with the hardship and struggle of war." Kiku took his gaze off the girl, and looked up at the clouds that were overhead.

"With this beautiful world in front of us, sometimes it makes me wonder why there is even war in the first place. Why we don't just work together for a peaceful world, because all we're going to do by fighting is destroy it, you know? It doesn't make sense to me." Kiku began to rant to the girl that he hardly knew. "And, there are kids out there, kids like you, who have to deal with the after effects of war. The scars it leaves on the planet and on it's people. The lives that wars change are far greater than the lives lost at war. It isn't worth it, you know?"

It took Kiku a minute to realize that he was ranting to a little girl, who already had a bad view of him. Perhaps it was recent events that had made Kiku just talk to the next person that he found, because Kiku had never had something like this. Something where he just talks to people he doesn't know about the things he thinks about when he's alone and not in bed. The things that he wanted to save for Tehodis.

[Roksana Sheirn]

Roksana’s face was hard, she was working not to show her fear and it was successful in the way she kept it stiff and without emotion. This guy was trying to trick her. He started going on and on about how war was bad and all, acting as if he were sacrosanct. The Woods of New Dawn had been such a defining moment of her past that she had played it over in her head several times. Again and again she had seen the wolf creature ripping the arm from that poor girl. She had tried to help, and then this man had attacked her.

The red-head was going on and on, trying to tell her that war was bad, and that there was no point to it. She stared at him unblinkingly, her eyes flashing with anger. How could he go on about how bad war was when he was involved in the war himself? When he had been friends with someone who could pull the limbs off of another? When he had tried to keep her from making the wolf pure of heart with her Haraigushi? What right did he have to go on about something like the war being bad. He was a part of it. He chose to be part of it and he had no right to complain.

“You act all sanctimonious,” She said quietly when he finally stopped ranting about how war is bad and flowers are good (she had stopped paying attention early on, “And you act as though I have no memory and that I don’t remember that you are part of the war. What do you think? That because I’m a child I must not remember that place? That place where a woman got torn to pieces by that demon?! That Demon that you kept me from making pure? What right do you have to say that the war is bad!? You are the war!”

[Kiku]

(That was so powerful... so moving... *tear*)

At first, Kiku was shocked by how strong this girl was. Probably not physically, but Kiku could tell by looking in her eyes and by hearing her voice as she spoke the words that she had a strong soul. One that would not be brought in by the darkness that had plagued so many children before her. She had strong views, and for one so young, that was impressive. If Kiku had been strong like her, perhaps he wouldn't be the way he was now. Had he had strong views about the anything, much less the war, he may be a totally different person. But the path that Kiku had taken in life was the way that Kiku became the person he was now, and he loved the person he was. He wouldn't change it for the world.

"For someone so smart, you sure are stupid. Think about it, girl; The girl you saw who had had her arm ripped from her body, why did it happen that way? Because there was a battle... and to have a battle, you need two participating sides in order to fight. Yes, it was gruesome, but the so-called "demon" you saw was just one side of it. Would you be so mad at be had you made her pure? Probably not, but would the people stop attacking her if she was pure? Of course not. Because that stuff would wear off, and she would be the demon again. They would kill her. Murder a pure, helpless girl. All I did was give her a fighting chance."

Kiku looked the girl in the eye with unwavering conviction. He believed whole-heartedly that this war was bad, that it was wrong. But to him, it didn't change the fact that it was happening. There was nothing that anyone could do about that fact, but at the very least, he could try to make it a fair fight. A fair fight to determine who should be punished for this war. He didn't know who started it, but he believed that the strongest should win it.

"I don't remember saying that I didn't participate in this war, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. What sick person would revel in the fact that there were people dying around them, all the time? That your closest friends and family can be killed at a moments notice, and you can't do anything to stop it? The reason I fight is to protect the ones I care about, nothing more. And that 'demon' you saw, happens to be someone I do care about. Whether or not I believe in her reasons for this war, I did my best to protect her. Hate me if you want, but don't hate me for protecting those I care for in the only way I know how."

Standing up, Kiku turned his body to this girl, whose name escaped him. He stared and he stared in a non sexual way, before opening his mouth again. "You need to leave. To leave and to be safe... go to the Peacekeepers. That's the safest place you could be. There is no one safe from the onslaught of war. That demon you saw was only something like twelve years old... I don't want anymore children to be like her. I'm not the war... We are the war. Setsuwa... is war. That's the way it's going to be from now on."

[Roksana Sheirn]

(ooc: Roksana seems to like these speeches… Hm…)

When the red head spoke, she could do nothing but listen and sit there with her jaw hanging slightly loose from its hinge. She had thought all of this through, and yet what he said… Well it made sense. It made her heart hurt, yes; and it made her eyes prickle with tears; but it made sense. She hated that. She didn’t want to be wrong. She didn’t like to be wrong. If only because then it meant that there were more people than she had thought who were bad. Who weren’t trying just to protect themselves or their family. They were trying to win. They were trying to get land that shouldn’t belong to them.

“Your… your demon friend… She started the fight. I saw it. If she had not come and initiated… Well then nothing would have…” She hovered down to the ground, her knees landing before anything else, her shoulders drooping as if they too were not strong enough to hold on their own. “Someone has to start a fight for a fight to happen. That’s where the blame goes,” She said with sudden realization, perking up slightly, “Adelaida and that other girl, the green haired one who is now short an arm… They were protecting themselves. Their people. That demon girl came to their camp and attacked them. She wasn’t forced to hurt them. She chose to. She deserved to die!”

As soon as she said the words, she froze and stared unblinkingly at nothing. Did she really just say that someone deserved to die? What kind of child was she? What kind of person was she? Before this moment, she had not even said that the people who had hurt her mother deserved to die. They deserved to be locked up, yes. But die? She had never said such a thing before.

“I wont’ join the Peacekeepers. I won’t get myself involved in this war. One way or another. It’s not right. Everyone should just leave. Peacekeepers included. When I was there, I saw someone. She lived there. Lived there before anyone else from Dirys or Vieri or Malscure… Or anywhere. Before they came. Did you know that? Did you know that there are people there that are the rightful owners of the land? Did you know that even if you’re fighting for friends and family, you are still fighting for the idea that… That they don’t own the land and that you do? It doesn’t matter what you think you’re fighting for. You all deserve to die.”

And this time, she didn’t stop and think about the words.

(ooc: She loves her soapbox, doesn't she?)

[Kiku]

The more that Kiku listened to this girl, the less he truly understood about his actions in regards to this war. While he fully believed everything that he was saying was correct, this girl wasn't exactly wrong. Tabitha Collins did start that fight with the soldiers, and that was wrong... morally. But war was never right nor pretty, and each person just made the best of what they could. Tabitha probably fought for the same reason that Riku would fight... for bloodshed. What did bloodshed mean to them? Well, that would be a question that only Riku and Tabitha could answer. It wasn't something that Kiku understood, nor something that Kiku felt like understanding. War just was.

As she started to get towards the end of her speech, Kiku could only shake his head at her words. To say someone deserved to die, so soon after condemning the very thought of war... this girl clearly had much to learn in order to survive. That's the key, Kiku thought to himself. Either you think everything through, or you don't think at all. That's the real way to survive this war, both physically and mentally. If you don't think through every aspect of war, you'll get killed... but if you don't fully think out the morals of it... you would go insane.

"You don't get it girl. That's the way life is... the way the world has always been. There has been, and always will be people in the world who will take things that don't belong to them. And if you truly love something, you will fight for it. The people of Atton... the few who rightfully, as you would say, own the land, they are fighting. If Tristan Cowell or some other warlord went into their lands, they would kill them on the spot, without hesitation. Do they deserve to die as well? Everyone is fighting, does everyone deserve to die? Think about it, girl."

Something about the girl had worried Kiku beyond belief, which was shocking as he was hardly the type of person to care about anyone else. It was because he was basically watching a frightened young girl transform before his eyes into something... something that she wouldn't have been without this war. She was clearly a victim of war, though. Time for a drastic measure, Kiku thought, as he pulled out his G4.

"Tell me," Kiku said, bringing the heavy polearm over his head, with obvious strain as he had not wielded this weapon in some time, "in a situation like this... do you feel threatened?" Kiku swiped the G4 in the girls direction, though pulling it to the left last second to make it crash into the ground. "Are you scared? Did you feel the need to fight me? To fight for your life? Or is fighting so wrong that you should just accept it and die? If someone came to save you just then, by killing me... would they deserve to die for killing to save you?"

Suddenly, Kiku was angry, and he didn't know why.

[Roksana Sheirn]

The red head kept going, not seeming to understand anything she was saying which forced her cheeks to flare pink and her eyes to flash with new determination and anger. She thought she’d made it all clear, but apparently it wasn’t clear enough as he went on to ask her if the people of Atton deserved to die. Well, of course not. That wasn’t what she was saying. Not at all. As he spoke she scoffed at his very ideas, something she hadn’t done before – but he wasn’t listening to her, so why should she listen to him?

She was courteous enough, however, to let him finish his little speech, and then she took back control, rising into the air so that she could actually look down on him as opposed to up. She stared him down, angry and unforgiving, “That’s not what I said! I said that you all deserve to die! You ‘crusaders’ invading their territory? Of course they don’t deserve to die. They are defending what is rightfully theirs! You have your choice. They don’t! They can either fight or die. All of these armies flooding into their land could choose to turn back and go home once they found out that there were people living there! They have to fight for themselves because no one else wants to admit that they are wrong! You go on about how you’re fighting f--”

The red head pulled out a gigantic blade and her first instinct was to back off. Distracted from her floating, she fell to the ground with a crash, rolling over the lush green grass in a way that dirtied her clothes and gave her a strained pain in her neck. He spoke again, seeming to strain ever-so-slightly with the weapon. This made her worry. If someone who was as strong and muscled as he appeared to be was straining holding the weapon, how much damage would it do to her? She was not a fighter. She was unlikely to be able to defend herself.

He swiped the weapon at her and she materialized her Haraigushi from a gust of wind that blew by over head. With closed eyes and a swift flick of the wrist she aimed a spell at him, to purify him and make him stop... But it didn't work. Nothing came and she drew back the weapon to stare open mouthed as the red headed man kept on talking.

"If you were listening to me," She spoke softly as she stared at her weapon, "You would know that fighting for your life, or your god-given land, you have the right to do so. When you fight because you want something that doesn't belong to you, or because you wish to murder someone or something in cold blood, you have no rights. Especially not the right to live." She pulled herself up off the ground, still clinging tightly to her Haraigushi as she raised herself back into the air.

"I hope you realize that when the Sea Peacekeepers get rid of the pirates, they're taking care of you unrighteous soldiers next!" She called out as she turned herself into a gust of wind and disappeared into what so many called nothingness, but what Roksana called home.

Why couldn't people understand that all of this was wrong? Why couldn't they realize the moment the Attonians were found on the land that what they were doing was wrong? That murdering all these people for something that belonged to someone already was not something to be proud of? Was not something to tell your family, your children, your descendants? Why? Roksana thought cynically as she weaved through the winds, Because most people are evil and deserve to die.